Where self-worth and self-esteem collide
When the universe speaks, sometimes it yells. I had an interesting coalescence of concepts from four conversations in the past 12 hours. It’s quite possible today was the day my head exploded.
This morning, a college friend sent me an article citing a study that found that more than 60% of Chinese youth want to become internet influencers or livestreaming hosts. I’ll make the leap and assume percentages are similar in other countries. Regardless, to that I say “Yikes”. I received the article just coming off a coaching session about influence, a topic that comes up frequently with my high driving yet stalled out female executives hoping to reclaim their careers. It got me thinking about what is to be an influencer vs. mastering the art of influence. Despite the appearance of one additional letter in highly sought-after digital vocation, influence and influencer represent two radically different things. In fact, having influence and being an influencer are in direct opposition.
Losing the Art of Influence
The topic of influence has been around for decades. “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is still in print for a reason. When in a conversation about influence, the question I ask is, “What’s the number one rule of influence?” Sometimes they know. Sometimes they don’t. What matters is that it clicks for everyone when I say, “The number one rule of influence is: It’s not about you.“ To have influence means your interactions accommodate and benefit the listener by how your message is delivered, how the dots connects for the listener, and the credibility you bring. Pathos. Logos. Ethos. If that’s your jam. In other words, your message is the same. How you deliver it depends on who is standing in front of you. In leadership and quite frankly life, this is a critical skill that comes naturally to some and can be learned for the rest. Are we losing the art of influence?
The Battle Between Self-Esteem and Knowing Your Greatness
I fear the desire to hone that skill is dwindling as the workforce ages out and down. Today, we are faced with a huge and growing population that want to be influencers. It’s sexy. Potentially very lucrative. Good or bad, it can be validating. And it’s all about you (the influencer). What you think. How you look. How many followers you have. How many widgets you can get people to buy because you and you alone said they should. Even though influencing and being an influencer are highly persuasive, the former has the needs of someone else at heart while the other is focused on personal desires. Those with influence earn it. Influencers take it. It’s the difference between “I want to be rich” and “I want to be successful”. This is an alarming trend which ends in each for themself.
Contemplating all this, I was struck how it tied to philosophical conversation I had the night before. A family member and I were chatting about “can you be happy if you chose the wrong vocation?” She sent an excerpt from “Coached by Joan of Arc” (I’m not an influencer. I get no kick back for the recommendation.) It was about self-esteem vs. magnanimity (being great of mind and heart – hence Joan of Arc.) There’s a lot of positive chatter about self-esteem while being magnanimous seems to come off as an insult at times — perhaps because it’s a ten-thousand-dollar word. Like influence and influencer, self-esteem and magnanimity are very different things. According to the author,
“Magnanimity is a virtue, a spiritual habit; self-esteem is a feeling of a psychological kind. A virtue is something stable and objective; a feeling can be very unstable and is always subjective. You can get up in the morning feeling a powerful sense of self-esteem and go to bed at night feeling like a total failure… Feeling our greatness (self-esteem) is not the same thing as being aware of our greatness (magnanimity). You do not need to know yourself to feel yourself great — flattery can suffice to do that for you. Magnanimity is the result of knowing oneself, whereas self-esteem depends mainly on how others perceive us.”
More texture about self-esteem came from an excerpt sent to me from “Done with the Crying” (still no kickback). Here, the author states that in the 80s and 90s, “…the advice to bolster children’s self-esteem was bandied about like gospel. Often, the focus on raising children’s self-esteem was devoid of any connection to achievement.” Ouch. You probably see where I’m going with this. It is the endless push and pursuit of self-esteem that has perhaps born the influencer generation looking for wealth and fame at the expense of all and everyone else. Did we go too far, or did we just not know what we were getting ourselves info? Influencers clearly have high (external) self-esteem which comes from the approval of and flattery from how the world feels about them. I say “external” because what is unknown is how are they all feeling internally? Many of us can take a pretty educated guess.
Embracing Self-Worth and Influence
What would the world be like if rather than being inundated with influencers, we were flooded with Magnanimous-ers? Other than it being a horrible name that I can barely type let alone say, it might turn the attention back to influence (it’s not about you), and dare I say (re)introduce the concept of self-worth (seeing yourself as a capable and valuable human being deserving of consideration and respect.) Back to winning friends and influencing people. Back to self-awareness with the relentless intent of understanding who we are and why we are so we may find and live our purpose. If you’re a Simon Sinek fan, then you know that purpose is your contribution and its impact on the world around you. Emphasis on the world around you, meaning outside of yourself. Know your greatness, live your purpose, with an impact that is exponential.
Oh, but wait! There’s more. Coaches also talk a lot about flow — the periods of time in which you cannot be stopped. You lose all track of time. You’re in the zone. I’ve known where my zone is, yet lately, I’ve been very hesitant to step into it. I haven’t been sure what was causing the lack of motivation. In an eye-opening call with another coach today, I figured out why. She was talking about the energy you put out when you are in your ‘gift zone.’ I said, “Oh, you mean flow.” The follow up was so incredibly helpful, I quite honestly believe it led me to writing this blog. She said that yes, the gift zone is about flow… but more. It’s about using your gifts and adding value to others while you’re using them. {Mind exploding again.} Maybe I missed that nuance in coach training. Landing on it today brought all these seemingly disparate ideas together and made today one of the more purpose-filled days I’ve had in a while.
If you’re wanting to become a master of influence, consider starting with self-worth. Without self-worth, we rely on the opinion of others for our self-esteem, often to our detriment. Ironically, influencers who push their opinion for gain rely inordinately on the opinions of others to survive. Self-worth is often overshadowed by self-esteem yet is the critical factor to our joy and success. Having self-worth means being in touch with your inherent dignity. With self-worth, you can adeptly access your potential, or magnanimity. You’ll spend more time in your ‘gift zone’ creating value for others while living your purpose. From here, the art of influence flows naturally because you’re already others-focused and creating positive impact through your gifts and talents.
Today I feel like I kicked my coaching up another level. The most transformational coaching comes when the coachee truly commits, digs in, and learns about themselves. And takes action. It uncovers values and beliefs while dispelling the limiting beliefs holding you back (I believe this is where self-esteem lives.) The result of digging in is embracing who you truly are, leading with self-worth, and unleashing your greatness on the world to build, create and leave things better than the way you found them.
Ann Rindone is a Leadership Coach with ARC Coaching Solutions specializing in empowering assertive, determined women reclaim their careers and advance to leadership roles without changing who they are. Over her corporate career, Ann witnessed dynamic women struggling with career stagnation and confusion. Her mission as a coach became clear: guide them in embracing their true selves, find straightforward ways to adapt, thus restoring the success they once enjoyed – all while staying authentic. Ann passionately believes this fosters a culture of women supporting women, a catalyst for female empowerment in leadership.